‘All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’ Psalm 139:16
‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’ Romans 8:28
I have no memory of the day I was born, the wonder of becoming aware of the world around me is just a distant childhood memory, I could not even begin to grasp the miracle of it all until I had a child of my own and now experience it from the other side. As a parent I remember the days I dreamt about my child, my future family, her precious face, tiny fingers and toes, even before she was conceived in the womb, she was a twinkle in mine and my husbands eyes, a hope in our hearts, a dream for our future. I remember the excitement and vulnerability of finding out we were pregnant, those difficult early weeks of sickness and secrecy, of hoping and waiting, and finally seeing a tiny heart beat on a screen, hearing a whoosh whoosh whoosh weeks later. I remember finding out we were having a girl, and feeling her kick for the first time. I remember waking up for days hoping it was the one she would arrive on, and then her quick delivery that Tuesday evening in June. I know those days intimately. I have experienced each day of her life from beginning to end.
I know the days and weeks and months leading up to her life. Days of sorrow and grief, days where we had hoped for a baby and the painful day of miscarrying a few months before we got pregnant with her. Willow knows nothing of the days leading up to her present day, and won’t remember most of these days for a long while. She is not aware of the circumstances leading up to her conception and birth even though they are such important details to me. These details, tied together with the truth of God’s Word, give profound meaning to her precious little life, and purpose for each one of those difficult days where things did not go according to my plan. Each day of her life was ordained and written in His book before even one of them came to be. Even though in my plans for my life, I was originally dreaming of another child, the Lord had the ability to use even that tragedy for good, by giving me this child, this one He had planned for me. I am just as unable to understand all the details of these days of my life as my daughter is unable to understand hers, and I have to surrender in trust to my father, that He knows my days, He sees it all, and brings purpose out of it all. I do believe He is working it all together for good, because even though I am not glad I had that miscarriage, I would not trade my daughter for anything. I am trusting in His truth when He says He is using even the tragedy for good in my life. Willow is evidence of that to me. This precious child who was a part of God’s plan for my life all along, means the world to me, and so I trust in HimOver Christmas I was looking through my husbands baby book. All the details of his early days, first teeth and haircuts, pictures of him in the hospital, first Christmas cards, what foods he ate when- my mother in law took careful notes and kept so many little treasures from his early days.
She had mentioned in the past having had a miscarriage before Christopher was born, but it never really struck me until I was reading his mother’s words in his baby book about how precious his little life was to her considering those recent events. Of course it never really all made sense to me until I experienced it myself, and I never understood the miracle that his little life was until I had a little life like his of my own. My precious Willow Grace, our rainbow baby, born as a shining symbol of hope out of a dark and stormy season of tragedy, was the daughter of another rainbow baby, and the fragility and delicate nature of conception and pregnancy and miscarriage all feels so personal. It can’t really until you experience it yourself, and then the downright miracle that all of life is just completely knocks you off your feet. We think it is all so random because we are not in control, but what I am seeing through this all is that nothing is random, no pain is wasted, no life, planned or unplanned, is a mistake or without deep and profound purpose. The two most important people in my life arrived because of the death of someone who never took a breath. Today, on the day Christopher was born, I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of his life, and how precious each of his days are, that they were ordained before even one of them came to pass. He and my daughter both had just this tiny window of possibility of existing as the people they are today, and while the ‘random chance’ of it all seems overwhelming, it causes me to believe again in the amazing ability of our God to purposefully make all things work together for good.
They say you the probability of YOU being born is about one in four hundred trillion.
Seems like that 1 out of so many must be so randomly chosen. You, uniquely you, were chosen for a purpose, and though you may never know all the details of the circumstances that brought you about, trust that it is a deep and profound miracle.
This was written in reflection on the 30th birthday of my dear husband.
Christopher is a man of great character and maturity. He is talented and unassuming without a hint of ego or insecurity in a way that encourages others to embrace who they are as well. That challenges me daily. He loves the Lord unashamedly and seeks His will above all. He is not afraid of what the future holds, as He trusts in our good, good father. He can apologize and can also hold his own. He doesn’t advertise his talents at silly things like charades, impressions, drawing, and break dancing and still shocks me on the rare occasion he busts them out with full enthusiasm. He is gentle and kind, approachable and greatly respected. He cares for our daughter and myself with such tenderness, and leads us in strength and confidence. I am so grateful for his life.
Happy Birthday Chris.
The Mainlands 