four years

Four Years

We started out so blissfully- not fully expecting of the many challenges we would face as we began learning to be a spouse.

Because you have to learn what it is to be one with someone.
Making a home together, making decisions together, considering the other in everything- these kinds of things take time to learn.

I believe that our oneness became a reality that day we said ‘I promise,’ but its taken time to really live in it- to live as if it’s true. It took me time to learn how to do your laundry, and that you didn’t like broccoli, and that you need your space to recharge. It took you time to learn you need to ask questions when I give you the cold shoulder, that a gentle touch communicates so much love to me, and that I want to know what your thinking. Its taken time for us to communicate well and make our decisions together, to consider one another- and we still need more time.

I think I thought I needed to measure up to this ‘perfect wife’ standard immediately after saying ‘I do,’ and was so disappointed with myself when I screwed up the laundry (again), and couldn’t figure out how to articulate myself to you. When it was hard to talk about money, and sex, and how different our families are- I have seen again and again- that we are learning.

And this process, this learning what it means to be one- it rattles my brain sometimes, and it blows me away. I feel so disappointed at times, realizing just moments later what false expectations I often place on marriage itself. It is such a gift- and yet it is merely a shadow- only an earthly reality that points to a much deeper spiritual reality. It is a picture of Jesus and His bride, and a truer, realer oneness that He has with the one whom He has chosen.

Marriage is a precious gift. And yet when I focus only on it, and don’t see through it to the more deeper, truer, important reality, it can feel quite shallow, unsatisfying, disappointing.

I’m thankful to have experienced many blissful moments in our marriage, and I’m also thankful for the reminders I need when moments aren’t so blissful, that being the perfect wife, or having the perfect spouse is not what I am really longing for. It is not what will truly deeply satisfy me.

Jesus is my perfect spouse. And the oneness that I share with Him is much deeper, and more real than the union I share with you. The union I share with you is only a picture, a pointer, a gift given by the Father, to help me understand the incredible mystery that is my salvation. To experience it even.

Salvation is such a mystery, and just like marriage, I have been disappointed many times that God uses a process to mold me into who He wants me to be, rather than it happening instantly. I did not instantly live like I was one with you, nor did I live as if I was one with Christ the moment after I got saved. Each day I am learning more and more what it means to live in the reality of that which is true, and my behavior and experience is slowly becoming truer and truer.

I am so deeply aware in so many ways of my failures. And sometimes I feel quite disappointed in myself for that. In my marriage and my relationship with Jesus. Sometimes I wish that I was further along, that I was measuring up to that ‘perfect wife,’ ‘perfect Christian’ standard.

And yet- the love of the one I am united with is not dependent on some standard. On that day we said I do, I don’t believe you expected me to be a flawless wife- nor did I expect you to be a perfect husband. But we loved sharing the journey together. We wanted to become together. We had recognized the ability the other had to point us to Christ, to help us follow His leading, and believed that God meant for us to share this journey together. And as each one of us becomes the person God created us to be, we are learning what it means to become one. And as we learn what it means to become one, we are experiencing the reality of our salvation in profound ways.

For life and humility, and grace, and love, and hospitality and creativity to flow out of marriage, only pictures for me what a profound impact my oneness with Christ has on who I am, and what I do, how I think, and what I say.

And yet I have so far to go!

I am realizing this so much recently as we begin year number five- I’m not quite where I want to be, but I’m surely not who I was four years ago. I just plain suck at even being a nice person some days, and though I still forget about the laundry more often than not, I know I love you more today than that June day when I wore white.
On that day we hadn’t yet made a home together, we hadn’t been through deep darkness yet together, we hadn’t yet been naked together or shared our deepest secrets and insecurities. We were only beginning to recognize God’s amazing provision for us and we hadn’t even really learned how to say thank you yet. We hadn’t worked in ministry, raised support, or even kissed. Gosh we have done a lot since then. And it has changed us. We have followed the Lord hand in hand, and learned to say our apologies, and extend forgiveness quicker. We traveled the world and fulfilled some dreams together, and now we are learning to discover new dreams.
There is still so much more to come, and I know that whatever it is God has in store for us, it will continue shaping us- that each thing God has planned is the exact tool, the exact friction needed to shape and mold us.

Thank you for showing me Jesus, being Jesus to me in many moments.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me, it is SO much more beautiful because I share it with you.